Thoughts

It's amazing as I am getting older how I see all that is happening in the world and around me, and think about how it will effect my family. In a way I am beginning to realize how some old people seem to become so cynical, when as you get older the world becomes more and more negative. It makes it harder and harder to follow Christ's command in Matt. 6 of "Do not worry". With our country's economic and political situation, we wonder what really is going to happen. How will these new changes effect us. In our little house, in this little neighborhood, in this small town, and in our mediocre jobs. Struggling financially, and with maintaining the will power to continue through school (Justin), and stay in frustrating jobs, it makes me want more and more to return to the age of about 6 years old. No responsibility and no awareness for the worldly things going on around me.
I am now a worrier of being a good parent and wife. With the tragic death of an aquaintances 11 month old daughter at the hands of a good intentioned parent, I am now constantly plagued with thoughts that that could have been me. I have recently stated to a few close people that this tragedy has touched me more deeply than any other that I can think of. It has made me cry numerous times and has made me turn to prayer and reading the Bible more than I have in a long time (reading the book of Job for the first time). I am frantically searching for a reason and to see the "good" in this situation. My mother pointed out to me that it is probably because I now know and have experienced the deep love of having a child. I can't possibly think of bringing harm to my daughter in any way, but it scares me to no end that I may do it unintentionably. I have not written about this subject yet on here, because I needed to me more emotionally un-attached. I did not even know this child, and selfishly I am very glad of this, but I am close friends with someone who has been the anchor for the child's mother through this whole ordeal so I have seen and heard her struggles and have followed the story closely. To fill those of you that may not know the story I speak of: a strong Christian mother with a PhD, loving husband, and 3 year old son, unintentionally left her 11 month old daughter in the van last August while she went in to work. Jenna died that day of hyperthermia. Fortunately, there were no charges filed, but as one reporter wrote of the incident the mother will face a "water torture of a thousand if onlys".
I must say that I have held Morganne a little tighter lately, and have been hyper-vigilant to my daughter's whereabouts and my actions as a parent. I am determined to not take her or my husband for granted. I thought of this while I was pregnant, and I continue to remind my self that Morganne is not mine. I am just amazingly blessed to be able to care for her and teach her as she grows. She belongs to God first and foremost. She brings smiles to us daily (even as I type this, she just shrieked at one of the dogs walking past her!), and we love to watch her learn and discover her world. She is now sucking on her toes, trying to catch the bubbles in her bath water, pulling my hair and earrings, and laughing at tickle fests. I love how she makes others smile, and how people comment on her "big blue eyes" and dimpled cheeks.
I can only hope and pray that this "world" and all it's negativity do not bring down my strong daughter as she grows. It is my mission as a parent and wife to show Christ to her as much as physically and spiritually possible. I myself and every thinking about Matthew 6, and reminding myself, as hard as it is, that God will provide and in the end it will all be OK, regardless of what happens now.

I leave this looooonngg post saying, please do not take the people in your life for granted. Tell them you love them always- don't just assume they know! Remember that Christ comes first, but then comes family- before friends, jobs, groceries, TV shows, money, or anything else.